Posts tagged ‘cubs’

Cubs Fans-

You’re thrilled. You’ve been running around all day getting Old Style, Cubs napkins, baseball plates, red and blue streamers… maybe even some sort of pin the tail on the Piniella party game. You are ready. But tonight’s TV broadcast on TBS is sure to be annoying at times. So please, allow me to lower your expectations before they rise too high. We are in for 3-5 games of the following:

- 100 Year Drought Talk. Hey, did you guys know the Cubs haven’t won in 100 years? Maybe TBS will play a montage of things invented since 1908! I bet there’s a really old, cute Cubs fan you could put the
camera on now.

- Manny Being Manny. Face it. You’re about to hear that phrase a million times. Get a hair cut, hippie.

- Possible RedLine Series! Possible RedLine Series!

- One time, there was this guy named Steve Bartman…. Get ready to hear about him after every foul ball to the left field seats.

-  What is this baseball game that TBS keeps showing between these Frank TV ads I’ve tuned in to watch?

-  Zambrano threw a no hitter but boy is he emotional!

-  Joe Torre Vs. Lou Piniella: who has the harder to spell last name? 

- Celebrity Cubs Fans Vs. Celeb Dodger Fans. Special sidebar: do the Cubs fans also root for the Sox?

That’s what we have to look forward to. Me? I’m gonna watch on mute and listen to the radio, which I’m sure you’re about to hear was not invented in 1908, the last time the Cubs won the World Series.

Dear Everyone,

If I am TiVo-ing the game, leave me the hell alone.

One time Lou got really mad at me because I said “as a friend, if I know you are going to watch today’s game tonight, and I know it is a waste of time, do you want me to tell you?” A moral conundrum, I know. But the simple and obvious answer is “Hell No, Sally!”

Sister, please. If I am TiVo-ing the game, leave me the hell alone.

Here is how my day went today, Opening Day 2008:

9:00 PST – Arrive at work where boss is Cubs fan. Tell him and others in my office that I do not want to know anything about the game. Email same message to brother, dad, friends.

9:24 – receive email from my brother who says Cubs are losing 13-1.

9:27 – receive email from my father who says Cubs are losing 13-0. Original.

11:20 – PST discover there is a rain delay, close browser windows for the rest of the afternoon.

11:20-2:20 – Get bored, re-open browser, sit around trying not to go to ESPN.com, Cubs.com, Cubscast.com, blogs, etc out of sad and pathetic muscle reflex. It’s harder than you think.

2:20 – My boss comes out of his office angry. I run away shouting LALALALALA so he won’t say anything.

2:22 – receive email from friend with subject line CUBS L – ask co-worker to screen email for any game info. There is just a link to a 100 year curse article. Great.

2:23 – Receive the following text message – “I know you don’t wan’t to know anything but if someone is injured do you want to know then?”

2:24 – My boss says “Do you want to know if Zambrano leaves the game due to injury? I mean hypothetically”

2:25 – Hear the 7th inning stretch. Assume Zambrano was good enough to make it into the 7th before getting injured so the Cubs must be winning or at the very least, tied. Leave office before the end of the stretch because if I hear “Let’s get some runs” I will know they are losing.

2:55 – People start to gather in office to watch an exciting finish of some sort. I decide to use the bathroom. For an hour. Now I know there has either been another rain delay or it is extra innings. Plus, single ply toilet paper is not fun, even if your name is not Kaz Matsui.

4:00 – Some kid with a cubs hat randomly walks into my office and shakes his head at my boss and me. I assume this could have to do with Zambrano’s injury. Perhaps he is on the 240 day disabled list.

5:45 – I have made it all day! 15 minutes until the end of work, when I can go home to watch the game. I have to instant message someone for work purposes. I see the following status message on AIM (see picture above. If you can’t read it, it’s an AIM status message that says ‘effing cubs’).

So people, please. Until President Obama makes Opening Day a national holiday (paid, of course) leave me the hell alone for 24 hours. That is all I ask.

When inspiration hits, it’s not always easy to say “no.” Hence the following “top ten list.” As most Cubs fans are aware, our now former President John McDonough was lured to the Chicago Blackhawks last week. This is on the heels of the Cubs not making good on the first leg of McDonough’s promise to win back-to-back titles in 2007 and 2008. Ah. Just words.

Anyway here’s the top ten lessons that McDonough will help the Chicago Blackhawks learn:

10. Guarantees mean nothing

9. Interviews with D-level celebs during breaks should be called the “2nd intermission stretch”

8. Nothing’s more entertaining than the Motorola phone call to the penalty box

7. Rename area around the United Center: Hawkyville

6. Firing the best hockey play-by-play man (Pat Foley) was idiotic. Chip Caray’s brother: available.

5. Three Words: Televise the suck

4. Pink hockey stick day may help appeal to a fence-riding female hockey audience

3. Extra cash flow by charging nearby abandoned buildings 17% tax to look upon the U.C.

2. Slap an Under Armor logo on Bill Wirtz’s tombstone

And the number one lession that former Cubs pres. John McDonough will help the Blackhawks learn…

1. Missing teeth never hurt Ronnie Woo-Woo